13 Things Moms Can Do to Feel More Rockstar-ish

I know so many moms who are going through rough times right now, stressed to the max, feeling overwhelmed, lost, (even some of my married friends). They all know I have been there myself and I will tell you these are some of the things that have gotten me to a better place:

1. Yoga (first thing you do everyday, or most days, in front of a window, I recommend Tone It Up (YouTube).

2. Deep Focus playlist on Spotify (listen to it during yoga, while your working, doing homework, meditating, etc.).

3. Find a job that pays you enough to live the life you want. If the one you have right now doesn't, keep looking. 

4. Buy a house half the price of what you think you can afford.

5. Let someone babysit your kids once every two weeks or so, even if it costs you $20-40.

6. Read something everyday (I alternate between self-help & novels).

7. Find a group of friends (or just one friend) and schedule dinner at least once a month (preferably at a winery!)

8. Find a good therapist. They're worth the money. 

9. Watch tv/Netflix/a movie (not the news!) after you put your kids to bed, even if it's just 30 minutes & even if you're tired.

10. Take your kids on play dates so you and the other mom(s) can see that you're not the only one being driven crazy.

11. Write. Keep a journal or start a blog. It doesn't matter if anyone else reads it. It's for you. If you don't express your feelings in a healthy way, you will keep feeling the way you're feeling.

12. Be selfish sometimes. Even if you feel guilty doing something for yourself, you will be a better mother/wife/person after you take care of yourself! 

13. Keep being a rockstar. Regardless of how you feel sometimes, you ARE rocking it. 🤘🏼

10 good things about being an autism parent

I am not an optimist by nature, so writing this post is somewhat ironic. But if you are an autism parent, you already know all the hard things about it. You don't need me to remind you (although I would love for others to get a glimpse of what we go through). So, instead, I came up with 10 good things about being an autism parent. Undoubtedly, there are more than 10 good things. You just have to be in the right frame of mind to notice them. So, I hope this list will provide you with a refreshing break from the hard things, if only for a few minutes.

1. Your child is ______(insert best trait here). Everyone has a good trait, a talent, a gift. My daughter is an empath (odd for an ASD, I know). She is empathetic to the point of getting her own feelings hurt for someone else, or crying their tears. My son is athletic. Neither of my kids have motor skill deficits, but my son is particularly active and talented when it comes to sports. He is also a sore loser, but I will not elaborate on that here. (Good things, remember?)

2. Your child does not ask to go to the toy store every time they see a commercial on television. I don't have any neurotypical children but I do know some and every time a commercial comes on or they see another kid's cool toy, they ask their parents for one. Not the case with mine. I don't think they even knew toy stores existed until the past few months when I've been bribing them with potty prize trips to the store to pick out a new toy. I used to have to use picture symbols to prepare them for trips to the store. Now, they understand if I just say "we're going to the toy store", but they still don't initiate the idea. Which is perfectly okay for my sanity...and my wallet.

3. Your child doesn't start talking about Christmas 5 months in advance. My kids don't know what Christmas is unless I show them pictures from past Christmases. They don't know they can ask Santa for presents (I should have started taking advantage of that year's ago). My son has recently (this week) started telling me he wants to be a skeleton for Halloween, which is a HUGE breakthrough. My daughter has still never asked for something like that in advance.

4. Your grocery list could be shortened to 10 items and the kids would be perfectly okay with that. Hot dogs, chips, carrots, yogurt, chicken nuggets, eggs, toast, crackers, ice cream and french fries for my kids. I, on the other hand...

5. Your child does not know what Disney World is. Enough said. 

6. Your child does not repeat cuss words. Unless they have echolalia, as my daughter did. But by some miracle, she never picked up any bad words. I know some 5 year olds that know dirtier words than even me, but my kids appear to still be fairly innocent.

7. If they have OCD tendencies, like my daughter and so many others do, they can buckle themselves in their booster seat when you forget. (This has only happened a handful of times I swear...okay maybe 6). Neurotypical kids would start bouncing around the car yelling "I'm free!", but kids with autism can't help but stick to the good ol' routine.

8. You save money on buying new movies because they watch the same one over and over. You better just pray they don't get stuck on one while it's still in theaters.

9. Birthday parties are cheap and easy. Kids with autism are, by definition, not great at making friends, so the invite list is usually limited to family. Luckily for my kids, I love throwing extravagant parties and inviting everyone and their dog anyway.

10. You don't have to stop what you're doing every 15 minutes to take them to the bathroom because they're probably not potty trained anyway. And you don't have to sit in the bathroom for hours on end entertaining them while you're trying to potty train them. Of course the drawback is that you're paying out the ass (literally) for diapers, but time is money too...right?

What would my neurotypical child be like?

That is the question most autism parents have thought but never said out loud because they're afraid it means they don't love or appreciate their child as they are.

My kids were both diagnosed on the mild end of the autism spectrum. I will admit, it makes my life a little easier and my worries a little less than what they could be. But they are still on the spectrum, and so I do worry. Sometimes I feel guilty for worrying so much about my kids. Like a parent's level of worry should depend on which end of the spectrum their child falls. I know there are individuals that struggle far more than my kids with communication, sensory issues, motor skills, etc. so sometimes I tell myself that my kids must not be on the spectrum. They can talk, they have no motor skill deficits, very few sensory issues. I tell myself I am imagining or exaggerating the whole thing and they should have never been diagnosed or that they have "outgrown" it. I tell myself that they seem almost typical....almost. But what I've learned is that it doesn't matter which end of the spectrum they are on. There is not a competition between individuals on the spectrum to see who needs less or more therapy or who can speak the most words or have the least amount of meltdowns. We all have our struggles and our journeys. We have all had to adjust our lives to accommodate therapies, behavior issues, and our finances, among many other things. I am allowed to worry.

I worry the most on days I get to witness neurotypical (NT) children talking and playing. When you have never had a NT child, you don't know which milestones your child "should" be reaching based on their age because you've never seen it firsthand and after a certain point you lose track of the milestones charts the doctors give you and you start using your own imaginary, slow-motion chart. The older my kids get, the easier it is to see the developmental "gap" between them and their NT peers. I watched a video of a NT girl today, and just watching the way she talked and interacted with her parents was hard to watch. She went to a mall with her mom in the video and didn't have a meltdown. Her mom never had to drag her out of a store. The daughter never screamed or punched or head-butted her mom. She didn't wander off, sending the mother on a full-blown search crawling under garment racks and behind dressing room doors. I looked up the girl's age, hoping she was at least 6 or 7. She was 5. She acted much older than my daughter, but they were the same age.

It's hard to watch NT kids the same age as your child and realize how much distance is between them developmentally and behaviorally. It's hard because you spend all of your time being so proud of your child for all the progress they've been making the past few months/years and then after watching a 5 minute video all you can think of is what you must be doing wrong. And then you feel guilty for comparing your child to another child, because you know you shouldn't. But still you wonder, what would my NT daughter be like? I know you cannot separate the autism from the person, and it is not the "quirks" I struggle with. I love my daughter's personality and her quirks are what make her her. It is her inability to regulate her emotions, or to verbally express certain things to us, or to manage her auditory sensitivity that I struggle with (and by "I", I mean "her"). Those are the parts of her autism that make our lives difficult. I'm tired of the meltdowns, the scratching and hitting, the crying and screaming. And not because it makes my life more challenging, but because I want to know how to help HER life be less challenging. I don't want to trade kids with anyone or make my kid "better". I want to see the smile on her face that I see on NT kids' faces. Not that they are happy all the time and not that she is never happy, but you can see on their faces that they are not struggling internally with anything. On the other hand, you can see on my daughter's face that she is fighting a big battle almost daily. And any good parent hates to see their kid struggle. Especially so young.

So even though I hate to admit it, yes, there are some days I wonder what my neurotypical daughter would be like. Not because I don't love my daughter, but because I DO.

What's in a name?

I've been itching to get this post up for awhile now. I started this blog with no clear idea of what direction it would take or what subject matter I would cover. I now know that the answer to that is lots of directions and lots of subject matter. I mostly talk about Autism because that is what I know and see everyday. But I also talk about other "generic" mommy things.  One thing has remained constant however, and that is the name of my blog. I recently connected it to my Facebook page so people are able to follow it there. On that page, I also share other articles or blog posts I follow and that I find relevant to my life and hopefully to a few of yours. And once in awhile I might share a funny meme. Because how are we expected to survive parenthood if we can't laugh about it?

I don't even remember how I came up with the name for my blog but I am really surprised I haven't grown tired of it and changed it like I usually do with most things in my life. But it still encapsulates me and what I want to say. If you're reading this, you are more than likely a mom (or a fan of moms), and you more than likely put your mom responsibilities before everything else in your life (hence, "mommy first"). But then there is another side to all of us that we don't get to partake in all that often: our rockstar side. You know, your 18-year-old self that wanted to grow up and be ______(fill-in-the-blank). Maybe you followed your dream, or maybe you took a more practical path. Or maybe your dream was the practical path (I never was very practical). Whatever path you took, we are all here together now, stuck somewhere between diapers and college tuition) trying our best. Occasionally, we are rockstar mommies, but more often than not, we are just mommies. And that's okay. But just because we might have had to put some of our personal dreams or passions on hold for a few years (or 18), doesn't mean they're not still part of us. We all have a little rockstar inside us and maybe someday we will be rockstars FIRST, but if not, that's okay. Because being a mom IS being a rockstar.

k.