Now, everything is so predictable. My job, my breakfast, the charges on my credit card (definitely not small). And very little of it can be compared to my 5-years-ago self. Before you start thinking I am throwing myself a pity party, let me make it clear that I am okay with this (to a certain extent). When I said "my life used to be big", I didn't mean it was anymore "full" than it is now. In fact, it may have been even less full than it is now in some ways. But it was, without question, bigger.
Most of my days are now spent within a 5-mile radius of my home. A few times a month I venture out 50 miles or so. Rarely further. What reason is there to? I can't afford a vacation, although taking one would probably do wonderful things for my mental health. I am heading to the great plains of Oklahoma next month for my best friends's wedding. Of course, that trip is more about her than me. Yes, my life is small now, and I have chosen to accept that (as if I have a choice). My kids are young (5 & 3). I want them to grow up to have big, adventurous lives someday. But right now, they need their grandma and grandpa, their cousins, their friends, their toys and blankies, their teachers and therapists. They need schedules and consistency and a home. I have provided them all of those things. And we have found a community we love. So we are here to stay for at least another 10-15 years.
I don't miss my "big" life, although I am glad I had it. I can't say I really missed out on much. I have no resentments toward my current life (although I'm still kinda pissed no one told me how hard this parenting thing was). There is a simplicity that comes with having a small life; something I never had in my 20s. I still find myself creating new ways to complicate things (i.e., going back to school, attempting to date, etc.). Then other days, I wake up at 6 a.m., sit in my sunroom drinking hot tea and appreciate the smallness. My life may be big again someday, but rather than waiting on that to happen, I'm going to appreciate it being small...and full.