I will know I did everything I could

I've been told a few times that I do so much for my kids or that I am doing everything I can, or even occasionally that I might overdue it (me?). Within a few months of them both being initially evaluated, I enrolled at a university and am working towards a Master's in Special Education - Autism Spectrum Disorders. I wanted to learn how to help them myself and understand therapist/doctor speak (which is still challenging after 2 years). I keep them fairly busy with school, play dates, trips to museums or the zoo, trampoline parks, speech therapy, play therapy, festivals, water parks, equine therapy, etc., etc., etc. If there is something going on within a 50-mile radius of us, we usually try to go to it. Not just for recreational purposes, but because I try to make up for the therapy I can't afford or don't have time for by providing them with "life-enriching experiences". At least, I hope that's what they are. And I'm also having fun and creating memories with my kids in the process (even though after most outings I come home completely exhausted and at the end of my rope). I try to help them learn through play, but at their age and developmental level, even therapy is play. They don't know that it's even therapy. They don't know that every child doesn't have a Ms. Marsha or Ms. Stacy that comes to their house to "play". They think these women are just their friends (which they have become), and I'm going to keep letting them think that as long as possible.

I do cut myself a little slack.  There are only so many hours in a day I can spend researching, reading, learning. And my brain is only so big. I'm not sure much of what I read anymore even sticks. But hopefully, some things stick long enough for me to try them out and if they're successful you can bet your drum kit I won't ever forget it. I accept that I can't study to be an SLP, OT, teacher, MD, etc. all within the next 5-10 years. Luckily, we have found really good ones so I don't need to! But do I kick myself for not reading more parenting books prior to becoming a parent? Yes! Particularly of the non-baby variety. I wish I'd read more of those too, but what I really wish (and what I think a lot of parents don't do) is that I had learned more about raising KIDS. Not babies, because most of those things pass within a year or two. But KIDS. I wish I'd read more about what happens over the next 16-30 years AFTER the first two. Developmental milestones, behavior management, emotional regulation, etc., etc., etc. It would have been nice if my eyes had crossed over the word "autism" even once during my undergraduate studies in human development. Then I might have had a head start.

I hope people know that I do not go to these great lengths because I "expect" my kids' autism to go away. It's not because I'm embarrassed by them. I couldn't care less what other people think (unless they have something positive to contribute). I try so hard because I don't want them to grow up and still have challenges and struggles and for it to be MY FAULT and then have to live with that for the rest of my life. And by MY FAULT, I don't mean that I gave them their autism (although, genetically speaking, I could have). I mean I don't want to look back and KNOW that I could have enrolled them in more therapy or a better school or read up more on interventions. I want to know, without a doubt, that I did everything in my power that I possibly could. And if they still struggle, we will keep dealing with it, and I will be at peace because I will know that I DID EVERYTHING I COULD.

Notes: There are some days I do NOT do everything I could. Some days I just watch Netflix and drink wine. :)